square peg in a round world (autumnsfall) wrote,
square peg in a round world

Old poems of mine..

POEMS 1996 - 2002


I believe what I have seen,
But then it fades away.
Was I only dreaming?
I wish t would have stayed.

I look back one more time,
To catch a glimpse of it.
Was what I’ve seen a lie?
Could I believe in it?

I think about the past,
And what I could have done.
If only I had known,
If what that was would come.

My breath is cold as ice.
My heart is beading fast.
But as I close my eyes,
The anxiety comes to pass.

I go on with my life,
After what I’ve seen.
But I will not forget,
That it was not a dream.


In a darkened room,
I lay upon my bed,
Many racing thoughts,
Running through my head.

I wonder if the light,
That shines upon my room,
Will escape my eyes,
If it will be soon.

Each thought I think races,
And I wonder if I’ll be,
Allowed to close my eyes,
Allowed to go to sleep.

One my one they go away,
As I close my eyes,
Each vision I’ve seen through the day,
Slows down and then it dies.

Unconscious thoughts surround my mind,
That is no mistake,
And each day brings a new challenge,
Each time I choose to wake.


Why can’t I focus?
Why can’t I see?
Just one of these thoughts,
Inside of me.

I can see it all,
But can see nothing too.
There’s all too much.
I’m so confused.

The lights is on,
But no one’s home.
They’ve kicked me out.
I’m so alone.

These thoughts that race.
These thoughts that grate.
They tear at me.
They turn to hate.

One more day,
Confused as hell.
While onlookers think,
That all is well.

Please help me look,
Please help me see.
That there is nothing.
Wrong with me.


Once again
I let it down
My guard was up
I’m on the ground.

Once again
The blow hit hard
It sank right in
Tore me apart.

Once again
I sit alone
My shell put up
It feels like home.

Once again
I’m in a fight
And it will bring
A sleepless night.

Once again
As time stood still
I felt it break
Apart my will.

Once again
I will not stop.
Once again
I’ll reach the top.


How did this happen?
Where did she go?
The woman I’ve known forever,
But never really got to know.

A woman so lovely,
A woman so fair,
She was stubborn enough to fight,
And strong enough to care.

A woman of patience,
A woman of grace,
For her there will be a space in my heart,
That no one could ever replace.

I regret the time we spent,
Could not have been more,
But the memories she’s given me,
I always will adore.

The angels are now smiling,
From the heavens above,
For their sister has come home,
To help them spread their love.


What is this,
That I have done?
I point at you,
With loaded gun.

You offer shelter,
You offer fruit,
Quick run away,
Before I shoot.

You comfort me,
When I’m in need,
But here I relish,
Within my greed.

Your heart is open,
It let me in,
I shoot at you,
This is my sin.

The trust you’ve given,
Was tore apart,
And there you lie,
With bleeding heart.

The gun has fired,
What more to say,
I turn my back,
And walk away.

One bullet left,
Within the gun,
I say goodnight,
The beast has won.

My friends you deserve better,
This much is true,
I never meant,
To hurt you.


Driving along,
The highway with mom,
Music turned up,
Singing a song.

When al of a sudden,
In the blackness of night,
A car closes behind me,
With blinding light.

My eyes try to focus,
My hands turn the wheel,
The brakes are not working,
The tires, they squeal.

My mom tries to help me,
By grabbing the wheel,
The car now goes backwards,
This I can feel.

I feel the car stop,
I look through the window,
Some fifty feet down,
I see the cars below.

Hot tears fill my eyes,
They run down my face.
What have I done here?
I’m such a disgrace.

Mom I am sorry,
That I’ve let you down.
Just two inches further,
We’d’ve fallen to the ground.

We exit the car.
The cops now arrive.
I tell them what happened.
I’m not fit to drive.

A piece of me died there,
At that very site.
Thos this very day,
I still hate car lights.


I went to bed
With a tear in my eye
Feeling unloved
Wanting to die.

Curled in a ball
Pushing away
Thoughts of you
I’ve had through the day.

Am I so wrong
To long for your touch
Please let me know
If this is too much.

Here as I lay
Lost and alone
Just the sound of your laughter
Could help bring me home.

You deserve better
Than someone like me
And as the saying goes
I now set you free.

POEM 9 Jan. 12th 2000

Falling endlessly into the abyss of thoughts…
Which drown me…
Into oblivion…
Tear at my walls… my mind… my heart…
For once I feel whole…
But yet…
Into your arms…
Peace can be gained…
But at what cost…
To you…
Wandering through this vast plain of existence…
I shed tear after tear…
Wanting so much…
To have… hold…
But to what extent…
What cost…
Am I again taking a toll…
On you…
Tripping mindlessly…
Over and over again…
Playing with fire that only I can see…
It singes my eyes… heart…
Pierces through me…
But at what cost…
To you

POEM 10 July 27th 2000

Picking up the phone…
That will never ring…
Lost in dreams…
Which feel…
To be reality…
Once I knew how to love…
Breathe… sing…
But now I catch myself holding my breath…
Out of tune…
But still dreaming…
Of you…
And in a glimpse of what I thought I knew…
Was merely and illusion of something that my never have been…
It funny how…
When you hold something too tight…
It goes away…
Leaving behind only remnants…
Of what used to be…
Or maybe never really was…
But yet here I still hold…
To what is…
Could be…

POEM 11 Ignorance is bliss December 29th 2002

Ignorance is bliss…
So why do I keep thinking…
About times passed…
As if I could change what has happened…
Today I laughed…
And I caught myself wondering why…
What caused it…
And as I put my finger on it…
It was gone that quickly…
And still I sit thinking…
And wondering where it all went…
And how I got to where I am…
Ignorance is bliss…
Perhaps I shall hold onto this.
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